frustration

i want is to run away.
run away and get out of my own head.
run away and get away from all of the people that know me and judge me and love me.
i just don't want to care what they think anymore.
i don't want to care about what you think.
jabs and stabs and whispers -
they make me want to leave immediately.
i still only trust those i came in with.
those that knew me long before you.
at moments, it's bliss.
at most, it isn't.
today i want to run and just get out of here, but i can't.
there's an umbilical cord of things you don't know about that tie me here.
beyond you and your island of self.
what has happened?
i feel like there has always been a tug of war on power between us and all you think about is pushing me down while you gain that power.
keep it, wave it above me as if i hadn't noticed.
you just don't get it.
you just can't see beyond your island of self and it's gnawing at me.
i want to shake you to see, but i have a feeling you'd just say what you always do -- and still not understand me.
it hurts because i want it to flourish because when it does...it's amazing.
i can see the happiness in your eyes and it makes me blissful.
but then you drive these nails of sarcasm and covert hate into me and i retreat.
i lash out.
it's your way of making me feel little by complimenting me;
it's your way of ignoring my presence when i need you to see me for once;
it's your way of holding me only when it's convenient to you...
that makes me hate this.

At a Loss

There are songs that transport you to a place in time or a space in a person with each resonating note you hear. A moment before a kiss, an insatiable laugh, those happy spans of time sitting among friends in dull-lit spaces that seems to last an eternity that you would never change and simply freeze in time. A swirl of melodic tunes emanating from the car speakers or through you headphones off your laptop in a crowded coffee shop can transport you ages into the past, into feelings and sensations long lost or dormant in the back of your mind until you heard that first cord being played. Some are so vivid you feel you could just reach out and feel that tangible musical daydream. You were there yesterday - in my tangible music daydream. It wasn’t our song, though, it was the song we sang along to that time we drove to pick Merrick up when he got back from Innsbruck. Do you remember that? That’s a silly question. Disregard that. But, who knows, maybe you do? So, I was singing along, smiling to myself about that drive. It felt like you were there, like I could feel your warm body next to me wiggling in that way you always did when you couldn’t really get up and dance – your car dance. I smiled because I miss that car dance and I looked over, but you weren’t there and I knew you wouldn’t be, I just wished that you were. So I sang along and did my own version of your car dance. It made me laugh to remember. You would have died laughing. I suppose that’s not really appropriate, but then again, you never were. I wish you were here. I wish you were there that day because there isn’t much that I don’t miss sharing with you. Nothing at all, actually. When that song ended and the radio kept on, I couldn’t hear it. My mind was stuck, transfixed back in that day, in the car, when you were doing your little wiggle dance and I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. It’s not even as though that was the best day we ever spent together. It wasn’t, but it’s the one I think of when that song comes on and then I think of you and how you’re gone and I wish you hadn’t gone anywhere. You were my best friend – you still are – and I miss you every day. Especially when that song plays and it catches me off guard because all I get to do is to talk to this stone, but it doesn’t laugh or do the car dance to tell me that you heard.