frustration

i want is to run away.
run away and get out of my own head.
run away and get away from all of the people that know me and judge me and love me.
i just don't want to care what they think anymore.
i don't want to care about what you think.
jabs and stabs and whispers -
they make me want to leave immediately.
i still only trust those i came in with.
those that knew me long before you.
at moments, it's bliss.
at most, it isn't.
today i want to run and just get out of here, but i can't.
there's an umbilical cord of things you don't know about that tie me here.
beyond you and your island of self.
what has happened?
i feel like there has always been a tug of war on power between us and all you think about is pushing me down while you gain that power.
keep it, wave it above me as if i hadn't noticed.
you just don't get it.
you just can't see beyond your island of self and it's gnawing at me.
i want to shake you to see, but i have a feeling you'd just say what you always do -- and still not understand me.
it hurts because i want it to flourish because when it does...it's amazing.
i can see the happiness in your eyes and it makes me blissful.
but then you drive these nails of sarcasm and covert hate into me and i retreat.
i lash out.
it's your way of making me feel little by complimenting me;
it's your way of ignoring my presence when i need you to see me for once;
it's your way of holding me only when it's convenient to you...
that makes me hate this.